I've been wanting to write something up for a while now as I know I have been lacking a bit in terms of my social presence. Whether this be in real life as I've been spending less time hanging out with people or online as I've been spending more time away from my usual places, I know I have been withdrawing myself a bit more than usual. For most of my life I've generally been in my own shell, but my online presence was fairly active, especially when it came to IRC and the online communities I was very committed to.
There are two major things that have happened this year that I do believe have contributed to some of these changes, and I think I need to explain that before I explain myself.
In February of 2018 I weighed myself on a scale for the first time in a long time. This was during a time when I was wanting to make sure I was setting my infrastructure up for the next couple of years. I was using a computer chair that was starting to show signs of wear and tear and I had noted that it was rated for 250 lbs andless. Weighing myself was a wake-up call.
295 lbs. That's a lot of weight. Especially for someone that is somewhere between 5'11" and 6'.
It was around this time that I had decided that I needed to make some changes to my lifestyle, otherwise I couldn't really count on myself being around for the long-term. In March of 2018 I started a diet that has managed to shed 45-50 lbs over the past few months. It's been a drastic improvement on my lifestyle and I am finding myself generally more energetic in my daily life.
This has had both its ups and its downs as the progress, while great, has had times where it has staggered. Anyone that has ever tried to diet probably knows what I am talking about and while I fully expected it, I am still finding it hard to remain positive during times where my progress is slowing down or halting.
The past couple of weeks notably I took a break from dieting and instead focused on just maintaining my current weight. I weighed around 250 lbs for reference, and this morning I weighed in at around 247. On Sunday I decided to go ahead and get back on my diet, thus I am back on the road to progress with my weight loss.
All of this has contributed to my second major thing: depression.
Depression is one of those things where I look at myself and mock myself for being depressed. While it's not a laughing matter, growing up I always had this feel like I was mentally healthy and aware of the decisions I was making. As I have gotten older, I am starting to realize that a lot of the thoughts I had when I was growing up were quite unhealthy. On top of this, being a victim of sexual assault during my teens, it goes without saying that I am not really the best example of mental health, but I wouldn't say that I haven't been improving things.
Since 2009 I have done a lot to try to bring myself out of my shell and improve my outlook on life. Lately, with the dieting and trying to combat some self-destructive habits, it has been hard for me to maintain my presence online as well as my presence socially in the real world. I think this is very noticeable as I haven't really played an online game with anyone in months. Haven't really watched much anime. Haven't really done much except play games by myself, which has been a soothing and relaxing experience for the most part.
While I want to be socially active, the weight loss and other areas of self improvement are taking a lot out of me right now. I think I am starting to find that balance, but I think its still going to take some time for me to really find it. I have found myself more active in the past few days with the people physically around me, and I am going to make a greater effort to improve upon that online as well. I've been significantly more active on Discord over the past week or so, and I am trying to make a renewed effort to connect myself to IRC. I've once again got it set up so its easy for me to check out IRC from any of my computers and even when I am away from the house; that should help me stay connected to things.
I am hoping my mood continues to improve over the next month or so and I will do my best to become social once again. This week alone I've felt a bit more positive than I can recall feeling in quite some time, so I am hoping that trend continues.