Recently I have had a massive change in my life which has required me to look at things from a different perspective. As a result, I have decided to reshape my blog and start writing new articles and information from it. I’ll break down a few of the most recent revelations that have helped shape my worldview and to help people understand where I am coming from.
While I do not remember the exact date, I finally came out of the closet as a gay male. It has always been a difficult decision to make for a number of reasons, a few that I wish to remain private. It mostly came down to stigma with certain members of my extended family and me not wanting them to have to deal with any hardship. Once I finally broke and decided to go ahead and tell my parents, they were nothing but supportive and encouraged me to let the people around me know since they knew no one would judge me differently.
In the past year this may have been one of the most significant moments of my life. It’s helped me come to terms with some difficult things in the past including the death of someone that I did have a crush on back many years ago and helped me figure out my place in the world. As a result of this, I have had to face a lot of difficult facts about myself, which I will now get into.
I am an alcoholic. Not only is this something I have come to accept within the past month, it took me a very long time to get the actual help that I needed. It reached a peak when I nearly killed myself through alcohol poisoning leading to a one night stay in the emergency room. I am currently undergoing psychiatric care as well as medicine management to help with the alcohol addiction, but it is at least nice to be able to say I am feeling mentally and physically better than I have in at least seven years.
When it comes to my alcoholism, I am not going to shy away from it or try to change the subject. I am willing to talk about the circumstances, especially if you’re someone I talk to a lot, and don’t mind helping others out if they feel as though they too might be an alcoholic.
There are no excuses to be made here. Ever since I was young I had created self delusions for myself. I believe everyone does this as some sort of protective mechanism and for me it wasn’t that much different, but the impact that it has had on my life has been quite extreme to say the least. While the alcoholism is something I am going to be dealing with for a long time, my self delusions are something that are going to be the hardest thing to overcome while also trying to balance improving myself as a person.
My biggest self delusion is that I am incapable of making mistakes. If I make a mistake, it is someone else’s fault and I now have to clean up their mess.
Obviously, that is not the right way to approach things. I’ve been working really hard on holding myself accountable for my own mistakes. If I make a mistake, it is perfectly fine to call me out on it and hold me accountable. It’ll help me consolidate everything in my head, and will help me out with dealing with those self delusions.
While I certainly have a lot more emotional baggage than that, there is too much to go into a single post.
I am in the process of trying to build a Discord community of like-minded individuals. If you’re interested in joining, feel free to click this link. If the link is not working, mention me on Twitter and I’ll be sure to get you a working link to the server. While we do have some rules, we are a fairly relaxed server with just a few rules. We do have a gate to get passed, but as long as you can show you’re not a bot or a complete psychopath, we’ll definitely let you in.
One of the ongoing projects that I am working on is building a streaming set up and working on establishing myself a schedule where I will stream games a few times a week. While I do not have a schedule defined currently, I will be streaming an assortment of games. Each week I will, for sure, stream Beatoraja as I aim to become a better player at the BMS style of rhythm games and by extension Beatmania IIDX. I’ll also be streaming a lot of Tetris and Puyo Puyo, but I’ll throw in other longer forms of games like Tales of Vesperia. I’ll post an update here on the blog once I have a schedule figured out and all of the details worked out.